It's not unusual for mothers to ping pong between feeling frustrated and a sense of loss as their tempestuous toddler hurls his Cheerios or moody tween slams her door. Each new stage in a child's life pushes mothers to sort out their own conflicted feelings of interdependence.
Ann Pleshette-Murphy, author of The Seven Stages of Motherhood [Macmillan,2005] suggests that motherhood forces women to re-think their lives and to re-shape their identity, relationships, choices and goals.
New Motherhood: The First 12 months
Parenting educator Jan Faull refers to this as the “parent on call” stage. As mothers reflexively respond to their baby’s every need, they often neglect and forget their own. This time can be a defining moment in a mother's life as she and her partner learn to adapt to their "new normal." In the process, women can adopt the attitude that their needs matter too, or they can become so absorbed into what everyone else in the family needs, that they eventually lose their own identity.
Motherhood: The Toddler Years Age 1 and 2
This is a push-pull time for mothers and toddlers. Separation anxiety and tantrums (for both) highlight this stage of mixed signals and emotion. As toddlers become more independent, mothers realize they can't always control or protect their increasingly active child.
Depression rates are twice as high among women with toddlers and many begin to question their parental prowess, "We all hold on to unrealistic expectations of seamless transitions,” admits Pleshette-Murphy.
Motherhood: Pre-school to School Ages 3 to 6
As pre-schooler and kindergarten children become slightly more self-sufficient, it's easy for parents to forget that kids are still very emotionally demanding. Parents and children simultaneously let go and then grasp on to each other.
As children enter school the separation can spawn ambivalence in mothers, particulary if they're at home full time. While this stage can feel liberating, for some it can feel like their mom cord has been forcefully ripped out. It's important to recognize that whatever emotion a mother feels at this time, either response isn't "right" or "wrong," it likely reflects that her sense of self is once again re-orienting.
Motherhood: Gradually Pulling Away Ages 6 to 10
This is a time when mothers begin to view their lives as still inter-twined with, but not solely dependent upon, their child’s. Moms may begin to treat their children more as an individual. Pleshette-Murphy suggests this stage is a "motherhood midpoint of sorts.” Women continue to love, care for and worry about their children, but they sense that their role in their child's life is gradually diminishing.
Motherhood: Living in the Tween Gray Zone, Ages 10 to 13
She calls this time period living in the “Gray Zone” because what may work with their child one day, doesn't the next. Similar to toddler/pre-school years, only with hormones and an advancing vocabulary of insults, pre-teens are volatile and may regularly engage their parents in endless no-win battles.
“When she stands with one foot in childhood and the other in early adulthood, and struggles to maintain her balance, the person she will grab onto with a desperate, clawing intensity is you,” says Pleshette-Murhpy. Parents’ nostalgia for the “cute and cuddly years” surface. Mothers may begin a grieving process of sorts as they prepare to let go of their hold just a little more.
Motherhood: Getting Ready To Go, Ages 13 to 18
Teen years are the times that try a parent's soul. In addition, as mothers move towards their empty-nest they begin to see the horizon of their “second life.” Pleshette-Murphy suggests,“In the process you will have re-shaped not only your relationship with your child but your identity as well. Trying to figure out who you are with your adolescent children will trigger feelings of resentment, loss, panic, and anger - but also joy.”
The emotions that come with raising teens often mirror those of new mothers, but with a new perspective. Partners re-focus on their marriage, deciding if their relationship stood the test of time or if the children held it together.
As children move through each milestone, mothers experience turning points in their identity, goals, self-esteem and relationships. Each stage, while bittersweet, is an opportunity for mothers to learn not just about their child’s individual personality and evolving needs, but their own.
Additional Resources:
Marital Satisfaction and Parenting
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