Parenting During and After a Divorce
Cooperative Parenting and Consistency Help Children During Divorce
Dec 12, 2008 Michelle Carchrae
Parenting during and after a divorce can be an extremely emotionally challenging prospect for many parents. Several resources exist to help parents through this difficult time, and research has shown that many parents continue to parent in a positive and effective way during and after a divorce. In times of instability and change, children need strong, consistent parenting to help them feel safe and secure. Here are some resources to help you parent during a divorce.
Recognize Your Own Feelings and Needs
Ending any major relationship is a painful and emotionally charged experience, and it is natural that this will have an impact on your own emotional health and well being. One of the most important things to remember while parenting during and after a divorce is to keep your own emotional needs separate from that of your children. It is your job as a parent to support and soothe your children when they are hurt, but it is not their job to soothe you. If you need an outlet to express your hurt, pain or outrage, find a qualified counselor instead of taking your feelings out on your children.
According to Shonnie Brown, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, by learning to self-soothe and find appropriate ways to deal with difficult feelings your children will learn about how to manage their own emotions from your modeling. Shonnie also offers classes on Cooperative Co-Parenting for parents experiencing divorce.
Negotiating Shared Parenting Responsibilities
Deciding which parent has responsibility for the children during the week, at the weekend, during holidays and when they are sick can be a challenging task. Many states now require parents to agree on a parenting plan together, which is a detailed outline of every aspect of their children's lives, such as where they will live, who is responsible for their medical care, where they will stay on holidays and weekends.
To make the most from your parenting plan, try to cooperatively come up with a plan together, making use of a mediation service if you need to. By making a clear plan together for your children's future, parents can often make better provisions than a court could, and a mutual agreement will reduce post-divorce conflict as well. Making your children aware of age-appropriate aspects of the plan can help them feel secure and know where they will be and who will look after them.
Remember to Support Your Children
Even when parents separate cooperatively and respectfully, divorce is hard on kids. Remember to take the time to support your child emotionally, even when you are still hurting yourself. Resist the urge to spoil your child with gifts and additional freedoms, or say things to pit them against the other parent. If this is happening with the other parent remember that the best thing for your child is for you to continue to parent in a way that is consistent with your parenting before the divorce.
Children need consistent routines and support more than they need additional toys or inappropriate curfews. Remember all the positive things you did to support your children before the divorce and remind yourself of those parenting skills that you still have. According to Professor Linda Strohschein at the University of Alberta, the majority of parents continue their parenting behavior in the same way during and after a divorce as they did before.
Divorce is a difficult and emotional time for both parents and children. It is important for parents to remember to take care of their own emotional needs without passing them on to their kids, to negotiate shared parenting responsibilities cooperatively with the other parent, and to take the time to support their children by maintaining consistency in rules and routines.
Children are Affected by Divorce
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