How to Cope with the Death of a Child

John Travolta's Son's Death is a Reminder of Other Children's Deaths

Jan 5, 2009

For many parents the loss of a child is the most difficult loss there is. The death of John Travolta's son, Jett is a reminder of how painful the death of a child can be.

Dr. Burton Grebin, Executive Director at St. Mary’s Hospital for Children, Bayside, Queens perhaps described the intense feeling of losing a child best during the opening of New York City's first facility for terminally ill children in October of 1984. His thoughts were published in the New York Times.

"The death of a child is the single most traumatic event in medicine. To lose a child is to lose a piece of yourself."

For the parents left behind, the death of a child is especially difficult; they are left heartbroken. The death of a child upsets the natural order of things, in that parents are supposed to die before their children. Children do not die first.

Tragic event like the unexpected death of John Travolta's and Kelly Preston's oldest son Jett is a painful, public reminder of the heart wrenching challenges parents face when coping with the death of a child. For many parents there is no greater grief than the death of their child. This is evident in the statement published on John Travolta's official website, Travolta.com

Finding ways to cope with the loss can be challenging. Coping with the loss of a child initially involves focusing on basic strategies for getting through. Later coping involves finding ways to keep going, to keep living despite the loss.

TAKE CARE of Yourself

In "Navigating the Grief Journey: How to Find Your Way During Challenging Times" the acronym TAKE CARE is used as a way for the grieving person to remember to focus on the basics when coping with a death.

For parents struggling to cope with the loss of a child they need to remember to take whatever time is needed to cope with that loss. Other key things to remember are the basics: eat healthy foods, get enough rest and if possible sleep, and avoid alcohol or other medications. Exercising can a helpful way of reducing some of the stress felt following a major loss.

Many parents find that talking to other parents who have also experienced and survived the loss of a child can be very helpful and comforting. Another common way of coping is through action whether it is writing in a journal, building something or founding an organization.

After making it through the first few weeks, there are other helpful resources for coping with the death of a child. These include talking to others who have experienced similar losses, participating in comforting activities, finding ways to make meaning of the loss and keep on living.

Helpful Organizations – The Compassionate Friends

The Compassionate Friends is one of the most helpful resources for grieving parents. Their mission is to provide information and assist families toward the positive resolution of grief following the death of a child of any age. They remind grieving parents that "We Need Not Walk Alone!" Others have walked the path of grief before and have survived.

Making Meaning of the Loss

Finding a way to make some meaning of the death can be very important to grieving parents though it may take some time. Parents will find their own ways of coping with the death of a child. Some look to commemorate their child through art, poetry, crafting, volunteering, or building and others through advocacy.

Many organizations had their origins in response to a personal tragedy or a death. Several of the most notable include: Parents of Murdered Children (POMC), Mother's Against Drunk Driving (MADD), the Polly Klaas Foundation for missing and abducted Children and America's Most Wanted. John Walsh's America's Most Wanted is without a doubt one of the most striking examples of making a career out of a tragic death.

Coming to Terms with the Death of a Child

Grieving parents must recognize that they may never "get over" their grief following the loss of a child to death. The sorrow may endure at some level for a lifetime of the child's parents.

Yet at some point those grieving parents who will survive the death of their child realize that their world will never be the same and that their life is forever changed. What remains in place of the pain of the loss is the knowledge that their loved one would have wanted them to keep living and keep loving with the memories of the good times shared with their child.

The statement on John Travolta's website demonstrates a love for their son and gratitude for the support and hope for the future:

"We will cherish the time we had with him for the rest of our lives. Jett was the most wonderful son that two parents could ever ask for and lit up the lives of everyone he encountered.

We have received many messages of condolence from around the world and we want to thank everyone for their prayers and support. It has meant so much to us. It is a beautiful reminder of the inherent goodness in the human spirit that gives us hope for a brighter future."

Surviving the Loss of a Child

Finding ways to cope with the death of a child may be difficult, yet there are thousands of parents who have faced this most painful loss and have survived. Coping with the death of a child initially involves just focusing on getting through the first few weeks following the loss. Later coping involves finding ways to keep going, to keep living despite the death.

The copyright of the article How to Cope with the Death of a Child in Parenting Resources is owned by Kirsti A. Dyer. Permission to republish How to Cope with the Death of a Child in print or online must be granted by the author in writing.