Help Children Dealing with Grief and Loss

How Kids Heal Through Death, Divorce and Other Life Events

Sep 6, 2009

Losses are a part of life, even for children. Dealing with grief and loss, even death is never easy. Parents can learn to better help children through these events.

Parents and caregivers want to protect children from pain. Dealing with grief and loss is hard, sometimes traumatic, to children and their families. Grief and healthy resolution to loss is important to a child's development. Children who handle loss appropriately are more able to tolerate positive and negative emotions and situations as being a part of life rather than situations to be feared. Healthy parents realize that while some exposure to losses in a child's life can be minimized, handling normal losses at an appropriate age is healthy for a child.

Grief begins with acceptance. Children may not be completely able to accept a loss, such as death, due to their age and stage of development. A child can grieve what he can understand. A child who loses a parent at age 5 grieves the loss as a 5 year old; he will grieve the loss again at different developmental stages such as father-son outings, when dating, or at his wedding.

Even though a child may not completely understand all aspects of a loss, it is important to tell the child about the loss in a way that he can understand given his age and situation. For example, letting a preschool child know that her pet mouse has died would be better than replacing it in most situations. On the other hand, taking a preschool child to have the mouse euthanized might be traumatic and beyond what the child could handle.

The nature of the grief also impacts the child. Death, divorce, moving, changing teachers, and pet loss are just a few life events a child may face. The loss of grandparent might be traumatic for a child's parents but not as much for the child depending on how much a part of day-to-day life the grandparent was for the child and how old the child is. Additionally, some children are more sensitive to losses than others and appear to feel things more keenly. Parents need to be aware of their child's developmental stage, nature of the loss and the personality resources within their child when coping with loss.

Expression of Children's Grief

Children express feelings and emotions differently than adults. While adults may be more prone to grieving through talking and tears, children may display these feelings through acting out behaviors, irritability, clingy behavior, anxiety and changes in their routines or mannerisms. Children often lack the sophisticated emotional vocabulary or facial expressions that adults have to express sadness or complicated/multi-layered emotions. Children may best express their grief through play, drawing or stories.

It is always a good idea to talk about emotions, however if a child seems to shut down or have difficulty expressing herself, drawing, books, and dramatic play may help her express feelings more easily.

Commemorate the Loss

Once a child has accepted the loss, at least initially, and expressed her feelings – it is important to commemorate the loss in a way to help the child remember the past and invest in the future. Memorial services commemorate losses, but may not help a child invest in future activities. Planting a tree, letting go of a balloon, making a memory book may help a child remember the past and also move into the future. For example, as a tree grows a child will see the tree changing and growing and can remember the person or pet in a positive way.

Divorce can present a challenge to parents. It may be a good idea to avoid memorializing the past but still focusing on the positive. One way to do this is to discuss the things that stay the same versus the things that change in the child's life. For example, each parent will always love the child, although where the parents live may change. Gary Neuman's Helping Your Kids Cope with Divorce the Sandcastles Way [Random House, 1999] is an excellent resource.

Losses are difficult for children who may be unprepared for difficult emotions and lack life experiences to handle grief and loss. Parents can help children handle grief in a healthy manner by addressing losses appropriate to the nature of the loss and their child's developmental stage. Parents can also help their child by giving alternate ways to express emotions and commemorating losses in a way that helps children invest in the future.

The copyright of the article Help Children Dealing with Grief and Loss in Parenting Resources is owned by Lisa Riggs. Permission to republish Help Children Dealing with Grief and Loss in print or online must be granted by the author in writing.