About Making Friends by Elizabeth Hartley-Brewer
A Parent's Guide to Childhood Friendships
Jul 23, 2009
Childhood friendships can be difficult to understand and parents are often unsure when to intervene. Elizabeth Hartley-Brewer seeks to clarify the confusion in her latest book, Making Friends: A Guide to Understanding and Nurturing Your Child's Friendships [DaCapo Press, 2009].
The Four Phases of Friendship
Hartley-Brewer discusses the four different phases of friendship through which children pass. She dubs the first phase "Pre-Friendship" as it encompasses children ages one month to four years. This is the time when children are observing social interactions to learn how to behave in the future. A friend is considered to be someone with whom the child gets along.
The second phase occurs from ages five to seven, during kindergarten and first grade. This is the time when friendships can change at the drop of the hat, and are based primarily on convenience. Friends are people who are kind to each other and who smile a lot. A "best friend" will be the person whom she sees the most.
The third phase is during the middle childhood years, ages seven to ten. Children are more likely to choose friends based on compatibility. Friends tend to be of the same sex, and have dependence on loyalty.
The fourth phase covered in this book is during the transitional years, ages ten to twelve. Children in this stage are encountering changes in their bodies and often starting new schools. They have a stronger sense of self, especially in relation to their peers.
Gender Differences in Friendship
Boys and girls respond to and demonstrate friendship in markedly different fashions. Boys tend to be much more physical and like to show off. They are most comfortable in groups. Girls, on the other hand, talk a lot, sometimes gossiping, and tend to roam in tight cliques.
In the early years, boys and girls may be friends with each other. Around middle childhood they withdraw into same sex groups before emerging with a new appreciation for each other in the transitional years.
Red Flags in Friendships
Parents are often worried about their children's relationships and seek understanding of when a situation really isn't okay. Hartley-Brewer identifies a few red flags in friendships.
Imaginary friends who persist beyond the age of eight and are not replaced by real friends may indicate social issues. A highly unbalanced friendship in which the child is either the bully or the recipient of the bullying is unhealthy. Perhaps the child seems overly shy or needy.
To elucidate what is normal and what indicates a problem, Hartley-Brewer offers up questions parents need to ask themselves about their child's behavior. She then provides numerous tips and suggestions for handling situations. Some of the advice is even offered in the voice of children themselves, who can best explain what they want and need from parents.
Making Friends is a great resource for parents and educators alike. It breaks down the four stages of friendship to explain how children evolve in their relationships from birth to age twelve. It also explains some of the differences between boys and girls. Advice and guidance is given to help parents determine if a problem exists and what to do in those situations.
Resource:
Hartley-Brewer, Elizabeth. Making Friends: A Guide to Understanding and Nurturing Your Child's Friendships. Philadelphia: DaCapo Press, 2009.
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